


Love (Is A Powerful Thing)

by reliablyimperfect



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Couch Cuddles, I'm Sorry, I'm not entirely sure how to tag, M/M, Non-Consensual Touching, Plot Twists, Self-Harm, please read it though, this is so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-03-20 12:13:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3649923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reliablyimperfect/pseuds/reliablyimperfect
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My hand flew into the air, a plea to go to the loo already on my tongue. The teacher’s gaze met mine and I felt the words being forced out of my mouth too quickly and jumbled up. The kids within earshot of me chuckled at my bumbling mouth, and it was all I could do not to scream at them to shut up. I saw the teacher’s head bob up and down, probably sensing, or perhaps seeing, my panic. I didn't wait for anything else; I fled the room.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is something I've been working on. Please, please give me feedback to boost confidence. This is my first work on this website, but I'm on Wattpad under katieem97 and reliablyimperfect. Let me know what you guys think!

Prologue

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I whipped it out, expecting it to be from my mum, asking me to pick something up from the store on my way home from school. My eyes flicked over the text and I felt my face drain of colour.

**To: Harry**   
**From: Louis**   
**Help me.**

  
I replied immediately.

  
**To: Louis**  
 **From: Harry**  
 **Where are you?!**

  
His response was almost instantaneous, like he had it already typed, waiting for me to reply.

  
**To: Harry**  
 **From: Louis**  
 **Janitors’ closet by the gym.**

  
My hand flew into the air, a plea to go to the loo already on my tongue. The teacher’s gaze met mine and I felt the words being forced out of my mouth too quickly and jumbled up. The kids within earshot of me chuckled at my bumbling mouth, and it was all I could do not to scream at them to shut up. I saw the teacher’s head bob up and down, probably sensing, or perhaps seeing, my panic. I didn’t wait for anything else; I fled the room.  
My shoes squeaked as I tore down the hall; I was close. I slowed to a quick walk when I got within eyesight of the closet. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door, light and fast. I heard a muffled answer, and I pushed the door open, seeing Louis crouched on the floor, curled up with the cleaning supplies. I saw the darkening red marks on his cheeks and over his eye.  
“Oh, Lou.” I breathed. I sat down next to him, pulled his tiny frame into mine, and hugged him tight. For the last nine or so months, the rugby team had been picking on-no, beating Louis up. It wasn’t a daily occurrence, just random enough to where Louis, or I, wouldn’t know when it would happen next. It was about one or two times a week. Louis had been seen kissing someone, a guy, and this town wasn’t known for their acceptance. Ever since then, I would get random texts from Louis from random closets in the school, asking for help. I always came.  
I felt Louis’ trembling hand clutch at the front of my shirt and I tangled my fingers with his. I brought his arm up to my mouth, seeing the faded, and fresh, angry lines that marred his golden skin. I kissed them.  
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked softly.  
“N-No.”  
“Please, Lou?”  
“What’s to talk about? They beat me up like they usually do. Fists and feet and spitting.” I felt him shiver, and I ran a palm down his back to soothe him.  
“Why don’t you tell someone?” I asked. I had been trying to get him to tell a school official, but he was too scared.  
“What could they do? Give them detention? Suspend them so when they come back, they hate me even more?!” He was getting worked up. “Face it, Harry, this will never stop!” His breath was getting shallow, so I laid him on the floor, stretched him out, and snuggled up to his side.  
“Lou, calm down. I need you to take a deep breath for me.” I had experienced this enough not to freak out. He was having a panic attack. The first time I saw him have a panic attack, I had completely flipped out, screaming for help. A student who had been using the bathroom ran and got the nurse for me, and she kindly explained what was happening and how to relax him.  
Focusing on Louis’ breathing, I could hear his hitching gasps for air, and I could see the wild, terrified look in his eyes.  
“Calm down, babe. You’re safe. It’s just Harry. I’ll never hurt you, Lou.” His breaths were still short, but his eyes met mine. They were wide. I shushed him, rubbing my warm hand over his chest comfortingly, coaxing deeper breaths out of him.  
“There you go. That’s it. Come back to me. You’re okay.” I had learned quickly that talking to him, my voice in particular, calmed him down the quickest.  
“Sorry.” His soft voice broke me out of my thoughts, and I halted the hand that was on his chest, knowing he was safe now.  
“No need to be sorry, love. I’ll be here forever.” I kissed his forehead softly and let him curl up against my side. About ten minutes later, I heard the loud ring of the school bell. I checked my phone for the time. We only had one class left in the day.  
“Are you feeling better? Do you want to go back to class?” I asked the quiet boy.  
“Will you walk with me?” He asked quietly. He still didn’t like asking me for things.  
“Of course.” I kissed his cheek, pulling a small smile from him.  
I stood up, holding my hands out to help Louis up. His tiny hands slipped into mine and I hauled him to his feet, catching his lips with mine. He sighed into the kiss, leaning into my body.  
“I love you.” I murmured against his mouth.  
“I love you too.”  
I walked Louis to the door of his classroom and hauled him in for another kiss. We kept it chaste since we had eyes on us, but I tried to put all my feelings into it. He needs it.  
“Wait for me in your classroom; I’ll come get you when the bell rings.” He nodded and turned to walk into the room. I blew him a kiss when he sat in his chair and he ducked his head, a slight tint pinking his cheeks beautifully.  
My last class dragged by. It was biology. It was a required course to graduate. I love science, but this was close to torture, especially since I couldn’t keep my thoughts from wandering to Louis. I didn’t see any of the rugby players in the class with Louis, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t any in the hall with him. It’s like they had a sixth sense, enabling them to know Louis’ exact location at any given point during the day. It made me uneasy. I couldn’t imagine how Louis felt.  
Finally, graciously, the bell rang. I tore out of the classroom as quickly as I could, trying to make it to Louis before and of the rugby team did. By the time I got to the hall Louis’ class was in, I was panting, but when I looked around, no rugby player was in sight, which made my effort worth it. I straightened up and walked into Louis’ classroom, seeing the lone boy sitting at his desk looking adorably lost.  
“Lou.” I said, shocking him out of his reverie. His head swiveled to look at me and I couldn’t help but wince at the bruises scattered over his face. He either didn’t notice, or didn’t react, because the wide grin I always love was breaking out over his face. This was my Louis.  
“Ready?” I asked. He nodded quickly and picked up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder and walking out behind me.  
When we got outside the school, I caught the hand that was swinging innocently by his side. I tangled our fingers together and he grinned up at me. He didn’t say much, especially when we were in public, but actions speak louder than words.  
We took the turns, crossed the streets, and walked down the sidewalks that led to Louis’ house. He played with my fingers while we walked, bending, straightening, and manipulating them to his liking. I couldn’t help but smile down at his concentrated face. His eyebrows scrunch up and his lips purse the slightest bit. It is ridiculously adorable.  
We walked up to the door of his house and the carefree smile slipped off his face. He doesn’t live with anyone. His father kicked him out of the house about two years ago when he told his parents he was gay, and now his whole family, including his sisters, is forbidden from talking to him. His father bullied his family away from him, and he hasn’t seen any of them in over a year. So, because of that, he lived alone. I visited him often, but normally it was on the weekend since I had homework to do. Louis distracts me, so I never get work done with him around.  
“I’ll see you later, gator.” I said, kissing his cheek. He smiled weakly at me and I frowned. “Cheer up. I’ll swing by tomorrow, yeah?” He nodded and I cupped his cheek, pulling his face to mine for a kiss.  
“I love you, Lou.”  
“I love you, H.” He said softly. He slipped into his small flat quietly, and once I heard the lock click behind him, I made my way home. It wasn’t a long walk, maybe about twenty minutes.  
I walked in the front door and called to my mum, letting her know I was home.  
“How was school, dear?” She asked, standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Delicious smells wafted out from behind her and I took a deep breath.  
“It was fine. Rugby team got Louis again, though.” I sighed. She gave me a look and pulled me into a hug.  
“How is he?”  
“Quiet. He perked up a bit on the walk home, but I know he’s still upset.”  
“Just be careful, sweetie.” I nodded.  
“I’m gonna go shower.” I informed her.  
“Dinner should be ready when you come out.” She called up as I climbed the stairs. I called an okay over my shoulder to let her know I heard her, and continued climbing.  
I turned on the water in the shower, letting it warm up as I pulled out some comfy clothes and laid them on my bed. I got out of the clothes I wore to school and walked into my bathroom, stepped into the shower, and got my hair wet. I lathered shampoo into my hair, soaping up every inch of my curly hair, and then rinsed. Picking up my shower gel, I rubbed the sweet smelling wash over my skin, head to toe, and rinsed myself off. I grabbed my conditioner and swiped it through my hair, letting it sit while I scrubbed my face with my facial cleanser. Once I was done, I rinsed myself off and stepped out, tying a towel around my waist and rubbing a towel through my hair.  
I pulled on some boxers, quickly followed by my comfy sweatpants. I picked up my phone and turned it on. I froze when I saw what was waiting for me. I had three texts from Louis, and two missed calls. I quickly unlocked my phone, almost dropping it in my haste, and read the messages.

**To: Harry**   
**From: Louis**   
**Harry, I’m sorry. I did something stupid.**

**To: Harry**   
**From: Louis**   
**Harry, please answer. I’m sorry!**

**To: Harry**   
**From: Louis**   
**Please don’t hate me…**

I swore, pulled on my shirt quickly, slipped on my boots, and ran downstairs.  
“Mum! I’m going to Louis’! It’s an emergency!” I yelled, hoping she heard me. I grabbed our first aid kit and ran out the door, running all the way to Louis’ house.  
I pounded on the door, demanding Louis let me in. I got a text from him saying the door was unlocked, and I flung it open, ran upstairs, and burst through the bathroom door.  
“Harry!” Louis sobbed. “You came!” He was curled up on the floor with his arm pressed against his naked chest. Blood was smeared on the floor and across his body. The metallic smell hit me and I took a deep, calming breath before I answered.  
“Yeah, Lou. Of course I did. Wouldn’t leave you alone like this.” I said softly. “C’mon. Can you stand so I can clean you off?”  
He nodded, got to his feet, and I sat him on the toilet. I turned and got a cloth out of the cabinet next to the sink and wet it with lukewarm water. I wrung it out so it wouldn’t drip and turned around to Louis and swiped it over his chest, cleaning the drying blood off him. I cleaned it off in the sink and got it wet again. I held my hand out for his wounded arm and he gingerly set it in my palm. I swiped the cloth over the flesh and he whined.  
“I’m sorry.” I whispered. I slid it over his arm until it was clear of blood and he let out a breath. I kissed the marred skin and he sniffed quietly. I threw the cloth into the sink and moved to grab the first aid kit I had abandoned on the floor. Louis was watching me like a hawk as I grabbed the antibacterial ointment, gauze, and tape. His eyes followed my motions as I spread ointment over the cuts on his arm and wound gauze over it, securing it with tape. I kissed the bandage and pulled his body into my chest, hugging him tightly.  
“I wish you’d stop.” I whispered. He sighed.  
“Will you stay with me?” He asked softly.  
“Of course.” I kissed his forehead and we walked into his bedroom.  
He lay down in bed and I climbed in next to him. I smiled. He squirmed his way closer to my side until I lifted my arm, and he tucked himself against me. I let my arm rest over his back and closed my eyes. It was only a few minutes later that I heard his breathing even out and I slipped out of the bed. I walked into the bathroom and cleaned up the blood off the floor, and then I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called my mum.  
“Harry, sweetie? Is everything okay?” My mum’s worried voice floated through the receiver and I smiled, frowning when I glanced into Louis’ bedroom and saw the thick white bandage over his arm.  
“He did it again, mum.” I sighed, raking a hand through my hair. It caught a few times on the knots in my hair, but I ignored the tug. “He’s okay now, though; he’s sleeping.”  
“Please be careful, dear. I worry about him, and you.”  
“Mum, it is okay. Do you mind if I stay here? I want to keep an eye on him.”  
“Go ahead, dear. Be safe.” I affirmed I would and we hung up. I stripped down to my boxers and got back in bed with Louis, letting him settle into my side again.  
He pressed a sleepy kiss to my bare chest and I smiled.  
“Love you, Lou. So much.”  
“Love you, H.” I let my eyes fall closed and fell into sleep, extremely glad today was a Friday.


	2. Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second part! Hope you enjoy! Don't forget about the comment box at the end! I'd appreciate some feedback!

Part One

 

I was startled awake when a hand hit my chest, and my eyes flew open. I was confused, and a little concerned, when I noticed I wasn’t in my bedroom, but when I heard a small whimper from next to me, I relaxed.

Louis was lying on his side, facing towards me, but a foot away. His face was scrunched up like he smelled something bad and I chuckled. I saw his hand twitch, explaining my rude awakening.

“Lou.” I murmured. I shook his shoulder and he groaned. “C’mon, babe, wake up.”

“No. Go ‘way.” He grumbled sleepily.

“You don’t mean that.” I pouted at him even though he couldn’t see me. “It’s almost eleven. I’m gonna go make some breakfast. Meet me downstairs in about fifteen minutes?” I suggested. He grunted a reply and I laughed. I kissed his hair and climbed out of bed, making my way into the kitchen.

I grabbed five eggs, milk, cheese, ham, and bacon and set them on the counter. I started the bacon cooking in the microwave and then started dicing the ham. After that was done, I turned the bacon and put it back in to finish cooking. When they bacon was finished, I diced the strips and cracked the eggs into a small bowl. I sprinkled in some pepper and poured in a splash of milk, then whisked the mixture until it was all evenly mixed together. I spread butter in the pan and let it melt, then poured the eggs into the pan. When the eggs solidified, I sprinkled cheese, bacon, and ham on one side of the omelet. I carefully folded the omelet over and slid it onto a plate. I cut off a little more than half the omelet for me and put the rest on a separate plate for Louis.

I heard the pad of footsteps and I looked up, smiling at Louis. His hair was soft, just the way I like it. He had on an over sized sweater that I was almost certain was mine, and a pair of sweatpants. The sweater sleeves fell over his fingers, giving him the most adorable sweater paws, and his black rimmed glasses were perched on his nose.

“You are so adorable.” I groaned, pulling him into my side. I buried my nose in his neck and breathed in. He smelled like fabric softener and sleep. I could detect the slightest trace of my cologne, assumedly from when he was cuddled up against me last night.

“No I’m not.” He mumbled.

“Yes you are, Lou. No arguing. Now eat.” I ordered. We both sat down at the little nook by the window. This was his favourite place to be, mine too. It was a small corner next to the kitchen that had a medium sized window about the width of the small, two person table. The table was a small square, about two or three square feet, and had two benches built into the wall on either side. It was a simple set up because Louis only had money from his job coming in, so he couldn’t afford much, but it was a beautiful spot. I loved the way light would shine through the window and illuminate the tanned skin on his neck and face. The light made his cheekbones even more sharp. He is so beautiful.

“What?” Louis’ soft voice broke me from my thoughts.

“What?”

“Why were you looking at me like that?” He asked.

“I was thinking about how beautiful you looked.” His face flushed an adorable shade of pink. He ignored my comment like I expected and continued to eat. I felt a foot nudge my shin and I grinned up at Louis. His feet tangled around my ankles and I let it happen. He didn’t initiate contact outside of his flat, or mine, so I reveled in these little moments when he would seek contact from me.

“How’s your omelet?”

“It’s really good. Thanks for breakfast.” He smiled.

“What are your plans for today?” I asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Um…I probably need to pop by the store. Did you use the last of the milk?” He asked. I nodded. “Then that’s what I’ll do. I’ll probably go there whenever you leave.”

“I’ll probably head out after breakfast. I have homework.” I sighed. He just nodded. “Will you be okay?” I asked softly.

“Yeah. Sorry about last night.” He mumbled, playing with his fingers that rested on the table. I grabbed his tiny hands between my two, larger ones, and made him look me in the eyes.

“Do _not_ apologise for last night. I came because I love you, and I was worried about you. But-dammit, Lou. I wish you would stop.” I said.

“I can’t help it, Harry! I can’t just _stop_ , it’s an _addiction_.” I could hear the distraught tone in his voice and I moved around to the opposite bench, pushing him over so I could squeeze in next to him. I took his hand in mine, pressing our palms together. I stretched our fingers out, instantly dwarfing his tiny hand.

“I really want you to stop, but I can’t help you, Lou. You need professional help.” I said softly. This wasn’t the first time I’d ever breached the subject of stopping his cutting habit, but this is the first time I’ve really pushed at it.

“Harry, I’ll be okay. It’s just to keep my mind off everything.” He stared down at his lap. He’s never been good at maintaining eye contact.

“But it’s dangerous.” I insisted. My voice softened as I went on. “I don’t want to lose you, Louis.”

“Harry, I will be okay.” He said. His eyes met mine and I let my body sag into Louis’.

“I love you.” I sighed into his hair. “So much, Lou. You have no idea. The thought of losing you…it hurts.”

“Harry, hush. I’m okay. I promise. You should get some homework done. Will you call me tonight?”

“Of course.” I cupped his cheek in my hand and pressed our lips together. I stood up, grabbed our plates, and carried them into the kitchen. Louis followed behind me, his feet padding quietly on the floor. I felt his arms slip around my waist as I cleaned off the dishes from breakfast. I made Louis promise to run the dishwasher soon and we walked upstairs so I could gather up my things. I made my way into his bathroom and he looked at me, confused.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“Give me all your razor blades.” I ordered. He opened his mouth, assumedly to protest, but I cut him off. “Louis, I’m serious. Give them to me. All of them.”

He sighed, but shuffled around the bathroom, pulling out a two single razor blades, along with a disposable razor. He carefully set them in my open palms and I smiled at him, slipping them in my pocket gingerly.

“Is this all of them?” I asked. He nodded, not meeting my eyes. I raised my eyebrows and stooped to look under the sink, frowning up at Louis when I pulled out a disposable razor.

His face crumpled, and I almost relinquished the razors back to him, but I held out.

“Tell me the truth, Louis. Is this all of them?” It must have been the look on my face that made him cave, because he shuffled out of the bathroom and, upon following him out of curiosity, I knew he went into his bedroom. He came back and set three razor blades and another, heavier duty razor, in my hands. I smiled and kissed his cheek, letting him know I would probably throw all of them, except the heavy duty razor, away. He still needs to shave, and that one was probably expensive.

“Thanks, Lou. I’m doing this because I care about you.” I kissed his cheek.

“I know why.”

“I will call you tonight after I finish my homework.” I told him.

“I’ll talk to you then.” He said. I kissed him quickly and gathered up my things, making my way back downstairs. We stopped at the front door and I pulled him to my chest, wrapping my arms around him in a big hug. We both stepped outside and I made him lock his door. We kissed once more, and then we parted ways.

As I walked home, I listened to music on my phone. The steady beat of the music and the weight of the razors in my pocket settled my anxiety over leaving Louis alone. It took the usual twenty or so minutes for me to get home, and when I got home, the house was quiet.

“Mum?” I called out, pulling out an earbud to listen for an answer. When no response came, I knew I would be alone. My mum must have gone out.

I walked upstairs and spread out my homework at my desk, sitting down with my music, once again, playing in my ears. I worked diligently for a good twenty minutes, getting far more than half of my work done. I was extremely proud of myself. I heard some bustling in the kitchen and my mom called up to me.

“Harry, love? I’m home!”

“Alright, mum. I’m doing homework!” She didn’t reply, and I assumed she busied herself with some kitchen work.

I got through about ten more minutes of homework, finishing up all of my biology homework, before my phone rang. I jumped from shock and picked it up.

“Hello?”

“H-Harry?” It was Louis.

“Lou? What’s wrong?” I asked, sitting up, instantly alert.

“Harry, t-they were in my h-house!” He sobbed.

“Louis, calm down. Breathe. Who was in your house?”

“Two rugby players.” He whispered.

“What?!” I shouted. “What did they do?!” I jumped up and pounded downstairs, making motions to my mum and hoping she understood that they meant I was going to Louis’. I walked quickly over, still speaking with the boy.

“Harry.” He whined softly.

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m just really upset. Please, tell me what they did?” I said softer.

“They hit me. They kicked me. The usual.” He said. It didn’t sound like he was done.

“Lou, it’s okay. You can continue.” I prompted cautiously.

“Harry.” He let out another sob and then his voice dipped down to a whisper. “They touched me.”

“They did _what_?” I was seething.

“They made me touch them. Said I was ‘gagging for it.’ Then they started touching me. I didn’t like it Harry! I promise!” He was openly crying now, and I could mentally see him distraught, with tears running down his face. It made me walk a bit quicker, in sight of Louis' house. “It was yucky. I didn’t want to see them like that.”

I arrived at Louis’ and knocked on the door.

“Harry!” He squeaked. “There’s someone at the door.”

“Relax, darling, it’s me.” I soothed. I heard a rush of footsteps and the click on the phone, indicating he hung up, before the door was flung open, and I had an armful of Louis.

I gathered up the small, sobbing boy and bundled him inside, away from prying eyes. I locked the door behind me and settled him against my chest on the couch.

“Lou, calm down.” I said, rubbing a hand down his sweater-clad back. “Tell me what they did.”

“They made me get naked. And they put their…you know…in my mouth. And they made me swallow.” His voice wavered, but he kept going. “And then they touched me... _down there_.” He whispered.

“What did they touch you with, baby?” I asked in a sweet voice. I knew that if I sounded angry, he would retreat back into himself, thinking my anger was directed at him.

“Their fingers.”

“They didn’t touch you with their willies?” I asked.

“No. They stuffed a sock in my mouth so I couldn’t scream, but I did, Harry! I tried to scream. I didn’t want it. Only you, Harry. I only like it when you touch me like that. You’re so sweet and gentle, and they weren’t. They didn’t care if I was hurting.”

“Hey, hey, Lou. Calm down. You’re gonna work yourself up. I know you didn’t want them to touch you like that.” He was shaking, whimpering softly every once in a while, when suddenly, he stiffened.

“Lou? You okay?” I asked.

“I’ll be back.” He said stiffly. He stood up, me close behind him, and tried it run out of the room, but I caught his arm. “Harry.” He whimpered with his arms crossed in front of his chest.

“Louis, what’s wrong?” I asked.

“I need to pee.” He said quickly.

“You’re lying. Tell me the truth.” He slowly uncrossed his arms and I gasped, taking them in my hands. His sleeves had blood seeping through, soaking the fabric with his blood. I rolled up his sleeves and was appalled at the sight. He had gauze crudely wrapped around his forearms, at least half an inch thick, but blood had still soaked through.

“Lou-” My voice choked. “What?” I slowly unwound the bandages and almost threw up. These weren’t his usual cuts. They were what would probably be considered as gashes.

“Louis, what did you use?”

“A knife. Harry, you took my razors.” He whimpered, trying to pull his arms away from me. They were slowly oozing blood and the sight made me nauseous.

“I need to take you to the hospital.”

“No! Harry, please.” He cried.

“Louis, these need stitches.” I said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Harry.” He sounded so defeated.

“C’mon, babe.” I wrapped the bandages back up and led him out to his car. I settled him into the passenger seat and sped off toward the hospital.

When we pulled into the parking lot, I jumped out of the car and ran around to grab Louis. I took him in through the emergency entrance and called for help. A nurse ran over with a gurney.

“What’s wrong?” She asked.

“His arms are bleeding really badly. I think they need stitches.” I said.

“Alright, sir. Can you help him onto the gurney?” She asked. I nodded and helped Louis get on. He was slightly dizzy from loss of blood.

“Are you family, sir?” She asked.

“No. I’m his boyfriend.” I don’t know why I felt she needed to know, that, but my mind wasn’t fully cooperating. All of my thoughts were on Louis.

“Alright. You’ll have to wait out here, but I’ll come out when we get him stabilized to update you on his condition.” I nodded and settled in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room.

It was probably an hour or so before the nurse came back out.

“Louis Tomlinson?” I stood up and hurried over to her.

“Is he okay? Can I see him?” I asked.

“You can’t see him. We got out of him that this was his doing, as you probably know. So, for his safety, we’ve placed him under twenty-four hour suicide watch. He is stable, but he is still upset.” She informed me.

“S-Suicide?” I managed to choke out.

“It may not have been an attempted suicide. He didn’t seem to be in that mental state. It is strictly for his safety. We’ll keep him here, monitor him, and in twenty-four hours, if he seems to be calmer, he’ll be discharged.”

“So, can I see him, just to say goodbye?” I asked.

“I’m sorry, sir, but no, you can’t. Isolation is key in this treatment, but I’ll tell him you wish him well.” She smiled.

“Tell him I love him?” I prompted.

“Of course. What’s your name?” I told her my name and she suggested I call someone to come pick me up. I pulled my phone out and dialed my mum’s cell.

“Harry? Is everything okay?” She asked.

“Mum, I’m at the hospital.” I said. My voice was surprisingly calm considering the situation.

“Oh my god, Harry! Are you alright? What happened?!” She exclaimed. I heard the slam of a door in the background, presumably her slamming the front door closed in the haste to get to me. I heard her car start, confirming it, before I answered.

“I’m here with Louis.”

“Oh, honey.”

“He’s under suicide watch. They don’t think it was an attempted suicide, but they’re gonna watch him for a while before he’s discharged.”

“I’m almost there. Let me park.” She mumbled to herself, but I nodded, forgetting she couldn’t see me. I had a spontaneous thought as I heard the air conditioning kick on above my head. I bet Louis never did remember to run his dishwasher.

“Harry!” I heard her voice over the phone and floating through the halls. I hung up the phone as she rounded the corner and I ran to her, letting her cuddle me into her chest. “Let’s get you home, yeah?” She said softly. I nodded and let her lead me out to her car. I pointedly _didn’t_ look at Louis’ car as we passed it.


	3. Part Two

Part Two

 

The next time I saw Louis, three days had passed. It was a Tuesday, and the first of March. School had just gotten out and I decided to run by and pick up Louis’ mail for him and check on his house. I wasn’t entirely sure how the rugby players got into Louis’ house that day. He never found a broken window, and I made sure he locked the door after him when he left that afternoon. The only way I could come up with, is Louis leaving a window unlocked and they snuck in that way. That or they were in the house when we left and waited out for Louis to come home. That unsettled me, because that meant they were there when I was. I should’ve noticed that they were in the house. If I had, this wouldn’t have happened.

Once the bell rang for the end of school, I said goodbye to my teacher. I walked out of the building, waving to a few friends of mine that I shared classes with, wishing them a good day.

I grabbed the key from under the flower pot at Louis’ house, using that to unlock the front door. I didn’t know what to expect when I walked into the house. Would I burst into tears from the memories? Would it be really cold? I stepped into the house, closed the door, and took off my shoes. I was pleasantly surprised to feel that the house wasn’t ice cold, rather, still having the homely, lived-in feel that I was used to. However, the sight of my boyfriend sitting on the couch, dressed in sweatpants that clung to his legs and a loose fitting tank top, watching some midday television, was certainly _not_ was I was expecting.

“Louis?” My voice caught his attention and he waved me over. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

“Hey, Hazza. How was school?” He jumped up and stood in front of me, looking into my eyes. His eyes were bright, alive, and it made my heart ache. I hadn’t seen Louis like this in a _very_ long time.

“It was fine. H-How long have you been out of the hospital?” I asked.

“I got discharged yesterday evening.” He smiled at me. It slipped off his face when I didn’t return the smile.

“Why didn’t you come see me?”

“It was late when I got discharged, and then you were in school.” He explained.

“Hell, Louis, I wouldn’t have cared! I was so worried about you!” I cried, pulling him to my chest for the first time in three days. I kissed him firmly on the mouth, trying to ground myself. “Don’t you _ever_ do that to me again.” I ordered sternly.

“I won’t, Harry. I promise.” He kissed me softly.

 

***

And Louis kept his promise. During the following three weeks, I kept an eye on him. I never found any fresh cuts, and he got many kisses for that. He even humoured me enough to take off his clothes one night so I could check him from head to toe. And he was _so_ much happier. I found Louis laughing along with the stupid jokes I told, and it made me so happy to see Louis like that. However, Louis wasn’t ready to go out in public. He got attacked, and he was scared of seeing them. At least, that’s what he told me. So, we stayed in. We cuddled on the couch and watched all of his Disney movies, followed by the remainder of his impressive movie collection. But that was perfectly fine with me; I needed to make up for lost time.

My mum always asked me where I went during the afternoons, and I always gave her a look, laughed, and asked ‘Where do _you_ think?’ She’d always smile after that.

I visited Louis every day after school. I’d do my homework there, and watch a movie if there was enough time. When I walked home, I’d always have this grin on my face, but I’d never admit that to Louis. He was getting better, and I was so happy for him. As much as I love the boy, I dreaded getting a random text of phone call from him. Four out of five times they were some cute little profession of his love for me, like I didn’t already know how he felt, but the other time, they were the anxious, scared message that he had cut again. And I hated not knowing.

I walked into the house on a random Friday and my mum met me at the door.

“Did you visit Louis again today?”

“Yeah. He says hello.” I chuckled. “I want to go out with him again, but we can’t.” I said sadly. He was still too terrified to go out in public, but insisted that he didn’t need professional help.

“I know it’s hard, sweetie, but it will get better.” She insisted.

“I just hope he’ll be okay.”

“I’m sure he is, love.”

 

***

 

As the next two weeks passed, and March came and went, my mum’s glances at me became increasingly worried. I knew she was worried about me. My boyfriend was, and might very well still be, suicidal. Any mother would be worried about their child being involved with that, but I love Louis, and he loves me. I never want to be apart from Louis. I couldn’t be apart from Louis. I knew my mum knew that, so I knew she wouldn’t try to keep me from seeing him. Plus, he’s getting better.

“Did you go see Louis today?” Mum asked me as I walked inside.

“Yeah, we went to the mall.” The now familiar, worried glance she gave me made me sigh. I knew what she was thinking before she even opened her mouth. “He’s okay, mum. He’s gotten over the attack, and he’s alright in public as long as I’m around him. He knows I’ll keep him safe.” I grinned at her to show her I was okay and asked, “So what’s for dinner?”

“I’m not sure, love. What are you in the mood for?”

“Can we have spaghetti? Louis likes that and I want him to eat something while he’s here.” I suggested.

“Louis is coming over?” My mum asked, raising her eyebrows.

“He said he was. Is that okay? Sorry I didn’t ask; I assumed you’d be okay with it.” I said.

“It’s okay, dear. When did Louis say he was coming over?” She asked.

“Today at the mall.” I told her. “He seemed excited. This is the first time he’s been over in a while.” I grinned at her. She looked at me in a way I couldn’t describe.

“Will you come with me to the store? I need to get the ingredients and would like some company.”

“Yeah. I’m gonna take a quick shower and shave, and then I’ll be down.” I told her, already running upstairs.

I darted into the bathroom and slathered shaving cream on my face and neck. I picked up my razor and instantly my mind wandered back to Louis. I wonder what he was doing right now. Was he thinking about hurting himself? Suddenly, all I wanted was to see Louis. I needed to know he was safe. Some nurse of someone lost his phone while he was at the hospital, so he hasn’t had a phone. He can’t afford to get a new one, and I’d been picking up extra shifts at the local bakery to pitch in money to help get him a new one. So, because of that, I was unable to have contact with him when I wasn’t at his house. It was close to torture.

When my mum knocked on my door to ask when I’d be ready, I realised that I had gotten distracted, the shaving cream sitting untouched on my face. I reapplied a bit more and started to shave. Louis likes me clean shaven. Says I look older than him with facial hair and he liked being older, even though I’m taller and bigger than him.

I swiped the cream, and hair, on my face away with my razor. I ran a hand over my face to check for stray patches of hair, touched up those spots, and then washed my face off.

I turned on the water in the shower, waiting for it to heat up, and then jumped in. I quickly rubbed my shampoo into my hair. This was Louis’ favourite scent. It made my hair smell really good, and the scent stayed for hours after I showered. I washed my face after I rinsed my hair, and then conditioned my hair. After I rinsed the conditioner from my hair, I stepped out of the shower and tied a towel around my waist.

I towel dried my hair a bit and walked into my room to get dressed. I chose a pair of skinny jeans and a plain black t-shirt, which I threw a sweater on over. I clomped downstairs loudly and swing around the doorframe, scaring my mum.

“Harry, you scared me! Are you ready?” She asked, clutching at her chest.

“Yeah, sorry, mum.” I chuckled.

“Alright, I’ll meet you in the car. I have to grab my purse.” She said. I nodded and walked out to the car, settling into the passenger seat. Mum came out shortly after and started the car. We both buckled up and she backed out onto the road, heading off to the store.

I watched as the houses that flew by turned into businesses. We turned down the familiar streets. We passed the street she usually turns on and I glanced over at her.

“Mum? That was the turn.” I chuckled. She was probably just lost in thought.

“I know, love. I just remembered I wanted to show you something.” She said, flashing me a smile.

“Alright. Is it far?”

“No. We’re close.” She informed. I nodded and fiddled with the radio until it played something decent. I shut my eyes and leaned my head back, breathing in deeply. I felt the car roll to a stop and I opened my eyes, looking at our surroundings.

“Why are we here?” I asked, furrowing my eyebrows.

“I’m gonna show you something, but it’s a surprise.” She said. “Close your eyes?”

I nodded and closed them, letting her pull me from the car. We walked for a few minutes, pausing for me every time I stumbled over the slightly uneven ground. We walked over pavement for a while, before I felt the softer, springier feel of grass under my feet. My mum pushed my down onto my knees randomly after pulling me to a stop. I willingly kneeled and waited for further instructions.

“Open your eyes and read. Out loud.” She ordered.

I opened my eyes, taking in the words in front of me, and my eyes watered up.

“Read it, Harry.” She said softer.

I read the engraving with a shaky voice.

 

Louis William Tomlinson

                                                  Born 24 December 1991                                Died 26 February 2016  



	4. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys' reactions to the last chapter was HILARIOUS! This has, by far, been my favourite idea yet. I love how it turned out, and I thank all of you for taking the time to read this!  
> I sooo left you guys hanging last chapter and I apologise. (Sorry, not sorry!) So, without further ado, here is the final part!

Epilogue

 

So yeah, I finally understood. Louis has been dead for about a month. When I took him to the hospital and he was placed under twenty-four hour suicide watch, he studied the nurses’ patterns. They came in to check on him every two to three hours, and he picked up on that. So, right after a nurse checked up on him one time, he tore the gauze off his arm and ripped his stitches out. He didn’t call for help. He didn’t do anything.

They found Louis about ninety minutes later lying, cold-skinned, in a puddle of blood. Time of death: 8:52 p.m.

My mom told me all of this information. However, seconds after she broke the news, I fainted. When I gained consciousness again, I told her I wanted to be alone. She didn’t know that, in order to protect myself from pain and heartbreak, my mind erased what my mum told me. All I remembered was that I had checked him into the hospital and he was under suicide watch. I had no idea how bad it was.

One morning on the way to school, I saw a ‘For Sale’ sign in the yard of Louis’ house. I pulled over and called my mum in tears sobbing brokenly, ‘how could they do that?!’ My _mum_ put the sign out. How could she?

I couldn’t bear to part with the house that held so many memories. My mum, though wary, understood, and she relinquished, taking the sign down. Needless to say, I didn’t go to school that day. I had been doing that a lot. I would more than likely need to go back during the summer, but at the moment, I couldn’t care less.

I went to visit Louis quite often. This time, though, I went to the cemetery. I talked about what happened, how my mind fabricated his existence in order to save me from myself. To my shock, I didn’t stop seeing Louis. I saw him in little things. Like, while I was riding my bike past his house, I would catch a glimpse of ‘him’ through the blinds. I would see him dodging through the bodies in the hallways at school. Seeing him made my chest ache, but, this time, I told my mum. I let her in. We often went to see Louis together. I would walk down to a little flower shop near the bakery I still work at and buy a small bouquet of Louis’ favourite flowers: daisies, like his sister. I switched that up with lilies and tulips. He loves the smell of lilies, and who doesn’t like tulips? Well…lots of people don’t, but Louis isn’t one of them.

It took a while, quite a few months actually, but I saved up enough money from taking extra shifts at the bakery, and I moved into Louis’ old house. I guess I should call it mine now, but to me, it still felt like his. It will always be his to me, no matter whose name is on the deed.

I could still smell Louis on the sheets. It was faint, but he was still there. The first time I laid on those sheets-those _same_ sheets that Louis slept on all those months ago since I’ve never had the heart to change them-I cried. I didn’t cry a lot over him. You would probably think I would do anything but cry, but, surprisingly, I couldn’t find it in myself. Louis was suffering, and now he wasn’t. I missed him every single day, but I couldn’t be angry at him for leaving this appalling world. I was the only one keeping him here.

As much as it pains me, I had to tell his family. His father kicked him out, but I knew his mum still cared about him. He got birthday and Christmas presents from them this year, but they still didn’t call. It showed they still cared and thought about him though.

I walked up to the quiet house and, as I got closer, I heard the chaos. I heard little voices, the familiar Doncaster twang in the accent hit me hard, but I stayed strong. I knocked. A small girl who I recognized as one of the twins, Phoebe or Daisy, answered the door.

“Mummy! A boy!” She yelled into the house, keeping her eyes on me.

“Daisy, come away from the door.” A female voice sounded from close to the door. A woman stepped into my line of sight and I couldn’t help but smile. Louis has shown me pictures of his family. This was, without a doubt, his mum.

“Hello, ma’am.” I said politely.

“Hello. Do I know you?” She asked, tugging Daisy away from the door. She sent her off to play and ushered me in. I couldn’t help but glance at the house. Knowing Louis, _my_ Louis, grew up here made this house that much more important to me. I remembered she asked me a question and I shook my head.

“No, ma’am, you don’t know me. I know who you are though.” I backtracked. “Sorry, that sounded really creepy didn’t it?” I chuckled awkwardly. “Is your husband home?” I asked quickly. When she shook her head, I carried on with the reason I was here. “My name is Harry. I’m…I _was_ very good friends with Louis.” My voice wavered on his name and, by the look on her face, she caught it.

“You knew Louis?” I nodded mutely.

“Quite well, actually. I was his boyfriend.”

“Was? If you were his boyfriend, why are you here now?”

“I needed to tell you something. Can we sit?” She nodded to a couple of chair and a couch in the room next to us and I chose a chair. I couldn’t help but think of how many times Louis sat here.

“What is it, Harry?”

“Louis, um. A few months ago, in February, he was checked into a hospital-”

“Hospital?” She repeated. “Is he okay?”

“No.” I whispered. I felt tears welling in my eyes and I took a deep breath like my mum taught me, trying to calm myself. “He was under twenty-four hour s-suicide watch.” I stumbled over the word. It was a hard word to say out loud, along with Louis, but it made everything _real_. Saying it out loud made it real.

“What?”

“Louis is dead, ma’am. He killed himself.” I shuddered out.

“Under watch? How is that even possible?” She asked.

“They checked on his every few hours and right after they checked on him, he ripped his stitches out.”

She sat there, taking it in silently, for at least ten minutes before she said anything. Her face was in her hands and I could see her trying to keep her breathing even.

“Where is he?” She asked, a tear slipping down her face.

“In Cheshire. That’s where I’m from. He’s in the cemetery there.” She nodded.

“Did he leave a note?” She asked. I shook my head. The hospital never found one. She nodded. “Thank you, Harry, for letting me know.” She said gratefully. I nodded and stood, needing to get back. “You don’t have to leave so soon. You could stay for tea.”

“I, um, I have a therapy appointment I need to get to.” I said, not meeting her eyes.

“Is it because of him?” Her voice was soft, non judgmental, and soothing.

I nodded. “It was hard. First stage of grief is denial and I had that covered.” I laughed at myself, something that I found helped. “He was such a big part of my life. It’s hard to adapt to him not being there.”

“It’s hard, and it will be for a very long time, but it will get easier. I promise.” She said kindly. I thanked her, kissed her cheek, and climbed back in my car. I sat in front of the house for a few minutes, letting my eyes roam over the surface. I could almost _see_ Louis here. He’s shown me pictures of him as a kid. I saw the little boy with ruffled hair and a cheeky smile darting around the yard, slashing at the air with a plastic sword and shouting at things that weren’t really there.

I drove away with tears in my eyes and a lighter heart.

 

***

 

Throughout the years, I kept in touch with Johannah, Louis’ mum. I’ve helped her around the house and watched the girls when she ran to the store, and she’s repaid me with stories from Louis’ childhood. It’s been almost four years and the ache is still there. Yes, Louis has been gone for four years. We just passed the anniversary of his death.

For the longest time, I expected Louis to walk up to me and explain that he had to go do something far away for a long time, explaining his absence. It never did happen. Now, I’ve accepted it. Some days are worse than others, especially the anniversary of his death. This year, I spent the whole day with Louis. I talked and talked with him. Anything and everything that came to my thoughts were put into words so Louis could hear them. I like to think that he’s looking out for me.

The time that I locked myself out of Louis’, rather _my_ , house, I found a window open. I _knew_ I hadn’t left that window open, but I smiled up at the sky and thanked Louis. I knew he had something to do with it.

 

***

 

Nearly five months after I submitted a form to adopt a kid, some idea that Louis planted in my head years ago, I got a reply. He never wanted to have a surrogate when we talked about kids together. He always loved the idea of giving a homeless kid a new family.

There was a little boy that fit my requests: blue eyes, straight brown hair, and energetic. I wanted something there to remind me of Louis. I was doing this for him. I’ve known for years that I wanted a kid with Louis, but now that he’s gone, I knew I would do this alone. That was okay with me. I didn’t want to do this with anyone but him. I knew he would look over both of us, and I would raise the kid to think that Louis was like a second father.

I walked into the adoption center and up to the front desk.

“I’m here for a visit. I got a call that there was a kid I might be interested in.” I said awkwardly.

“Yes, you must be Mr. Styles.” The small, elderly lady said from behind the reception like desk.

“Just, Harry, please.” I chuckled. “But, yes, that’s me.”

“You seem young.”

“I’m twenty three.” I told her.

“You have a young face.” She smiled. “Someone will be up shortly to take you back to a visiting room.”

A woman came out a couple minutes later and led me down a row of halls. I could hear voices drifting through the doors on either side of me and it made me smile. I might be going home with a kid.

“Here we are. I’ll go get him.” So, it was a boy I would be meeting today. That’s good.

She led in a timid boy. He looked about four years old.

“Alright, here he is, buddy. He’s super nice, so there’s nothing to be afraid of.” She said in a sweet voice. He nodded and stepped up to me, smiling.

 “Sorry, but I never caught either of your names.” I said awkwardly.

“I am Hannah.” She held her hand out and I shook it. She placed her head on the back of the boy’s hair and pushed him forward a bit. “Tell him your name, sweetie.” She said encouragingly.

“I’m Louis.” He grinned up at me. My breath caught in my throat.

“Hello, Louis,” My voice wavered on his name, but I continued, “When is your birthday?”

“26th of Feb’uary!” He exclaimed. I started to feel faint.

“Dear, are you alright?” Hannah asked me.

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry. A _really_ good friend of mine named Louis died on the 26 th of February.” I said.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She said.

“It’s been years. It’s okay.” I said. And it was. It took quite a long time, but I’ve accepted the fact that he’s not coming back.

“Okay, boys, have fun tonight!” She waved as she walked out the door and I turned to look at Louis.

“Okay, bud, I’m Harry. What do you want to do?” I asked.

“Will you read me something?” He asked, cocking his head adorably. I couldn’t help but smile down at him.

“Of course. What story do you want to hear?” He picked up a small children’s book and handed it to me. I sat down on the little couch and, after hesitating a moment long enough that I felt the need to pat the seat next to me to signal he could sit by me, he clambered up and settled next to me, close, but not quite touching.

About halfway through the book, he shifted closer to see a picture and I threw an arm around his small body and let him relax into my side. His soft breathing fanned over my skin, sending chills up and down my spine. I nosed his ear and whispered the next line into his ear and he giggled.

Before I knew it, he was sliding onto my lap. I wrapped my arms around him. He leaned back against my chest, his breathing deepening. As the book came to a close, I heard his deep, even breaths. He was asleep. I sat there with him in my lap for a while, long enough that they came back to get him, saying it was time for dinner. Was it that late already? Until then, I was content to sit and watch him sleep-his even breathing lulling me into a day dreaming state. I couldn’t help daydreaming about watching Louis and this little boy-who looking achingly similar to the man I missed the most-playing footie in the backyard in the sun, or helping me back cupcakes in the kitchen on a rainy day. It hit my heart hard. I would do everything on my own, but I was okay with that.

 

It was two weeks later-the day a moving van showed up a couple houses down-that Louis came home with me. I had met with him several times over the last few days, nailing down my decision to bring him home with me.

As I opened the car door for an awestruck Louis, I saw a flash of blonde down the street. When I looked, however, there was nothing there.

“This is where you _live_?” Louis squeaked, looking up at the tall house.

“No, this is where _we_ live. You’re gonna stay here with me now, Lou.” I said.

“For how long?”

“Forever, if that’s okay with you. I’ll be like your daddy, but you don’t have to call me that unless you want to.” I reached into the boot of the car and pulled out his little suitcase. He held onto his stuffed bird, amusingly it was a pigeon he dubbed “Kevin,” and we brought his stuff into the house.

“I’ll show you your room and then you can tell me what you’d like to do with it.” He nodded, still a bit awestruck, or overwhelmed, and followed me to his room. “This is your room. It’s _all_ yours.” I said.

“All mine?” I nodded.

“My room is right down the hall. If you ever need me, feel free to come get me; even if I’m asleep.”

He nodded.

“Do you want to go look around outside?” I asked. He nodded his head quickly. He loved it outside. The sunny days I was allowed out with him in the park area by the daycare center were my favourite. He’s very excitable. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tested positive for ADHD later. He loves to move, and when he has to stay in one room, he tends to walk in little patterns, pacing around.

I took him outside and watched him run around. I should get him some outdoor toys. He would go nuts if I got him a football. But, with my lack of coordination and, as Louis called them “giraffe limbs,” I probably wouldn’t be the best play mate.

“Hey, mate!” A voice shook me from my thoughts and the first thing I saw was _blue_. The next thing I took in was the blonde hair. The boy that was standing in front of me was cute. I haven’t looked at someone in _that_ way since Louis died, but maybe he would forgive me if I did.

“Hey there, I’m Harry.” I said, reaching out a hand.

 

 

 

 

Love is a _very_ powerful thing. It can lead us to do amazing things. In America, in 2012, a woman _lifted a car_ off her father to save him after he got trapped under it. She was running on pure adrenaline, but it was still an amazing thing to accomplish. Because of that, her father is still alive.


End file.
